Songs of T. version anglaise (1 et 2)
Bon voilà, je traduis les Chants de T. en anglais, pour une version bilingue (ce n'est pas une traduction exacte), si quelqu'un a un commentaire à faire sur les mots, la syntaxe, la façon de dire, bref, des corrections à suggérer, je les remercie infiniment à l'avance.
1. Red-on-the-path-of-angels.
Hear ye, my name is running far and in the sand it pours a flow of thin and boiling comfort. Hear ye all. Song, truth, color and fury. He that walks among the men in the desert had lowered his arms beneath my knees and when we had swum in the source had, here and now, there in the speech of allegiance, discovered a green and bitter morsel of peace. And its softness.
He would have liked to flee in his anger, as infinitely the tanks of men are meant to be defeated. Also he had these lines upon his skin, but no wolvess thin and meager on the dunes.
However I did see a wolvess in his glance each time the sky would come to approach us.
2. Discovery.
They found that both the worlds were in a sort of careful balance. He that walked among the men had thrown a dance. Then with the speed of an eagle he had retrieved the abyss of his face. They saw that they were real, that he could shift from one to the other. Easily.
crematory of dryness on the rocks
clear hatchings of fire, emperor of insects
asking for cracks, foliage of interstices
kohl out of the ground, shade of freezing
shade with the foliage spine under the obscure line of the waves
terrace of jasmine, mother-of-pearl
star, white from the metamorphosis
ysard in the desert among the crimson fabrics of the night
a coo chee moya. We are so far from our lands and the bones of our ancestors. My path be a dance as much as a meditation. That he should be able to pass. And find a space between the worlds.
Commentaires
Fire Gazer le 05/12/2008 à 05:40:20For the 1st part, I would suggest:
... color --> colour (in keeping with the British spelling that you use)
He that walks --> He who walks
(and further in the same sentence, something's off with the syntax and as a result the meaning is hard to grasp:)
... and when we had swum in the source had, here and now, there in the speech of allegiance, discovered a green and bitter morsel of peace. (maybe you should move "had" closer to "discovered"? There should be a coma after "there". If I may say so, this sentence weighs tons.)
... He would have liked to flee in his anger (do you mean "to flee in anger" or "In his anger, he would have liked to flee"?)
Also he had these lines upon his skin ---> these lines etched upon his skin (but your formulation isn't incorrect here, it just felt - to me - that a word was missing)
... but no wolvess thin and meager --> but no wolves (OR "wolf" if it's one lone wolf) thin and meagre
However I did see a wolvess (wolf) in his glance each time the sky would come to approach us --> However I did see the flicker of a wolf in his glance OR I did see a wolf flicker in his glance OR I did see a wolf in his eyes every time the sky approached us OR every time the sky would happen to approach us (not sure what you want here)
Part 2
They found that both the worlds were in a sort of careful balance --> both worlds were
He that walked among the men had thrown a dance --> He who walked amongst men had ... a dance ("thrown" doesn't feel like the right word here - not sure what you mean to say)
Then with the speed of an eagle he had retrieved the abyss of his face. --> he retrieved (otherwise it belies "the speed" factor stated just before)
My path be a dance as much as a meditation. --> I would suggest removing the articles altogether: My path be dance as much as meditation.
I hope this helps a bit. I personally find it particularly difficult to translate a poem. I think the key is to write it from scratch, disregarding the original text and following the lead of its "soul".
***
And while I'm at it, I would like to tell you that I particularly like "A sandy path always"
isa le 05/12/2008 à 09:25:53
it does help a lot !! thank you SO MUCH, Fire gazer, I didn't réally hope somebody would come by and do that, but here's the Internet.
At your service whenever you need something about french.